Principaled Xander
by tohonomike
Summary: Our favorite normal parodies Snyder and things get disturbing.


**Title: Principled Xnyder**

**Author:** tohonomike

**Email:** All characters belong to their rightful owners...the Joss/ME characters, and any other characters are clearly not mine. NO money is involved.

**Summary:** Ya know, I am only writing a little bit at a time on my extant worked in progress; however all this distracting stuff comes up that needs venting. Congratulations, I'm sharing.

**Halloween Night, The Die/Spell is Cast**

"Xan—"

"Miss Rosenberg! Silence or I'll have to suspend you. Where are your children I assigned and what possessed you to dress like a tart?"

"Uh, um…"

"I bet Miss Summers is behind this and you'll just cover for her as usual," the man in Xander Harris' body sneered, "Go find your charges and take them back to the school or the next four Saturdays will be in detention."

And with that, the man stormed off, feeling strangely better than usual…until he saw his reflection. 'Damn, those kids now have me caught up in this. I look like Harris.' The nasty little man considered height and such, then realized, 'I AM Harris!'

And with that he grimaced and began storming off toward the school and the Library to find that troublesome Brit, and see about ending this.

'Good God! No!' the spirit of Xander Harris mentally screamed as he realized he was now lacking in Xander-shapage and was instead troll-shaped. He looked around at the craziness erupting around him. Adults were acting, no were, their costumes at what seemed to be the set up for a big party of school board, city and other officials.

The Police Chief ran up, not in costume, "What the Hell's going on? What should we do about this?"

"Well…Bob…if you have a few officers and tasers, just stun them all and tell everybody later that someone spiked the punch or something."

"Good idea, Snyder, but what if this is all over town too."

"I don't know, Chief…stun everybody…tell them someone dumped an agent in the water…I don't think we've used that one before," Xander improvised tiredly, "I have to check on the students."

"Good thinking, no wonder the Mayor hand-picked you for your job."

The nasty little man in Xander's body continued striding quickly down the street, using a scary-looking yardstick to swat aside the occasional short costumed troublemaker in his way. He heard a scream pierce the night, and his enforcer instincts moved him to intervene without pause. He noted that a man in a dark coat was accosting a girl in a poofy dress.

"Unhand her, troublemaker or I'll have you arrested…" the hormone-boosted juggernaut ordered, feeling physical power coursing through his veins to match his imagined status at the school. He was ignored, then slapped the man on the shoulder with the yardstick.

The real vampire turned and growled, a bit surprised at the sharp bit of wood slapping him. His faced changed and grabbed the wood, snapping it in half and throwing it at him.

"Now I'll just have to start with you, then the girl, huh bloodbag."

Snyder panicked and as the vampire tackled him, he moved the halves of the measuring stick toward the attacker, and as they hit the ground, the young minion of Spike and Drusilla swore as it realized its heart had been pierced, "Shit…"

Snyder was shocked, and without thinking spat out, "You're expelled, mister…"

His slow rise to his feet was interrupted as one Buffy Summers totally out of her mind almost knocked him back over, sobbing her thanks for saving her life…yadda…yadda.

He was almost grateful when Rosenberg showed up again, "Still without your kids, Miss Rosenberg…"

"Eep!"

Sighing, the Principal noticed he could see through her, "Are you still amongst the living or am I going to process more paperwork?"

"IamstillalivebutIdressedasaghostlikeXanderdidaPrincipalandBuffyanoblewomanso—"

"Stop!" the man winced, "Please…can you take Miss Summers somewhere safe while I try to get to Mr. Giles…this boy doesn't seem to have any money on him."

"I. Will. Not. Go with the spirit of a harlot," Lady Buffy indignantly scoffed, nodding for emphasis.

"Gah, a bit of dissension in your little gang, eh Miss Rosenberg? Go find the Brit and make this better, I will be along with this one in a while."

The real Xander Harris was having a difficult time; he kept diving into fights and prevented four or five people in the last hour from getting eaten by real and fake vampires alike, two of the newest dust bunnies complaining about the Mayor's stooge interfering. That was definitely something he'd have to mention to Giles; hopefully the black eyes, bruised rib and sore ankle would stay with the troll when they got this ended.

The night was just getting better and better; Snyder had managed to trip a sasquatch into a ditch and now had two harpies instead of one with him. Luckily the Chase girl eventually believed him being Snyder and concentrated her vitriol on the noblewoman. Small favors. Then things just got oh so much better as they walked in front of the Harris house…two things actually.

"Boy! Get over here now and leave your whores outside!" Tony Harris shrilly shouted from the porch, "Don't make me beat your ass again."

Snyder met his nemesis from his own high school days, and realized the kid might be hanging out in a gang because of this bastard. 'Well Alexander Harris, what you survive only makes you stronger…and it's time for payback.'

Cordelia Chase was startled as she saw Snyder in Xander's body wink at her, then put on an exaggerated mopey face, "Yeah, Dad, coming…"

Tony Harris gloated, and removed his belt as the boy came up the path none too fast, deciding a little humiliation was in order. He then picked up his bottle of Jack Daniel's and hobbled out and set it on the porch.

He never saw the foot coming up into his face, but he could he the shocked screams of Cordelia, Buffy and his own barely-sober wife. Falling on his ass, Tony Harris was surprised and enraged. The next few minutes were quite memorable for everyone but Tony Harris. 'Xander' didn't let up, and Tony was a big guy, but on the ground and at a disadvantage. Finally he began to tire when the girls screamed and ran to the porch.

"Well, well, what do we have here?" William the Bloody smirked from behind the boy, who suddenly ducked aside. The vampire was NOT amused to have a leather belt with metal rings slapped hard across his face, knocking him to the ground.

The minions were stunned, Snyder stunned, and Tony Harris too drunk to care as he kept whipping Spike in the face and shoulders for a few seconds as the other humans ran for the house. Snyder grabbed the water on his belt, and threw it at the very scary lead vampire from Teacher-Parent Night, hitting him in the face for even greater pain and stunning. Picking up a stick as Tony went blindly after the other vamps—figuring no doubt they were blurry images of one person—Snyder stabbed the chest of the master vamp on the ground several times, Cordelia shouting suggestions from the porch until he got it right.

Xander had saved Amy from Larry the Pirate, and she was very confused to find out he wasn't the teacher, but when he dropped her off, Mr. Madison was very happy with the Principal. Xander continued driving his car toward the library, for some reason driving down the street he lived on when he saw a battle in the front yard. Swearing, he drove up and over the curb, taking out the mail box and punting three of four minions hard into his mother's rose trellis that had not seen pruning in years. Two vamps dusted.

Tony Harris started to come out of his haze and realized he wasn't fighting his worthless boy anymore, but some street thug; he watched as that rat-shit geek Snyder from school ran over his mailbox. Feeling hands on his neck, he heard more pain. It went dark.

The vampire had meant to snap the neck of a mean drunkard, but the mailbox that fractured Tony's skull was the culprit that knocked the bastard out. Xander got out of the car. He looked stone-faced, looked at his body, nodded "Sir…" and taking tree branch walked over to finish the last vampire.

Snyder looked like hell, as did Xander, "Harris, what did you do to my body?"

"Same as you, sir, out playing hero and saving the girls. You do this in high school, too?"

"No, I was too busy getting beaten up by the biggest jock of them all in more ways than one. Your father."

"Me, too," the boy said, stared at his father on the ground, "Thanks."

"It was my pleasure and your pain tomorrow," the Principal chuckled, then frowned, "What now?"

"Now we go find Giles and see if he can figure out how to put an end to all this?"

Snyder looked at the bastard on the ground, then the boy, "Can we leave him here?"

"No life insurance."

"Damn. Let's get him inside."

**Sunnydale High School Library**

**November 1st, 1997 10:00 AM**

Buffy Summers and the others entered the bastion of books with great trepidation to find Snyder, Xander and Joyce Summers discussing things with great seriousness. They also found Angel tied up in the weapons cage looking quite stressed.

"P-principal Snyder," Giles began uncertainly, "Why have we been called here?"

Joyce Summers spoke up, looking intent at Buffy, "You should have told me you've been doing this Slayer thing, Buffy. I'm not happy this happened to you, but you will NOT be seeing that vampire over there. Even at my worst a few years ago, climbing the social ladder in LA with your father, I would not have allowed you to date someone so much older than you."

The stressed woman, who'd had her eyes opened, and the situation explained, with Angel being used for demonstration of all but staking and dusting, grabbed Buffy's hand. "We're going to buy you appropriate clothes so I won't have to keep washing your school clothes so much, then you'll tell me everything in your own words."

And Joyce Summer marched her daughter away. Giles, Willow and Cordelia looked around at each other, then at the two that had exchanged bodies last night.

"Miss Rosenberg, since you and Mr. Giles eventually ended this spell," he phrased the last word with distaste, "No detention this time. Mr. Giles, you need to better secure your special books so no one will simply walk in and steal them. They are also inappropriate in a school setting."

"O-of course…"

"Fine, I don't want to know about this stuff more than I have to, but I'm expecting to know enough where it affects this school." The tired little man seemed less evil at the moment, "I hate vampires…come on Alexander, time to go pick up your stuff."

"Xander?" Willow asked as her and Giles followed the two out, "What's going on? Are you okay after last night?"

"Don't' trouble yourself—never mind, both of you come along and help him move."

"M-move? Whatever for?"

"His mother has just gone into rehab for six months and his father is spending time in the prison ward until such a time as he regains consciousness…and goes on trial for child abuse and assault." The man said this with a very big smile.

"This seems to please you?"

"Taking Harris' favorite punching bag and wife from him? I can think of few things better. See, I'm tingly all over. I'm going to savor this day for years to come."

As the doors closed a very surprised vampire with a soul still in the weapons cage called out, "Um, Hello! Anybody! Let me out please!"


End file.
